Category: humor

What Should I Have Said?

Governor McCrory Chats With Constituent
Governor McCrory Chats With Constituent

Everybody remembers when they were the target of an off-color remark, or on the defensive in an argument with a friend or neighbor. It is always five minutes later, or even the next day when we finally think of the reply we should have made, but missed a great opportunity to settle things. Well, I had a similar feeling this weekend after visiting  friends in the North Carolina town of Black Mountain. The governor of the state made a drive-by visit, glad-handing folks and offering himself for photo opportunities.

My host and I were in two of the stores in downtown Black Mountain that the governor visited. It was interesting to watch the process unfold. It was just like what we see on tv, the state executive greeting people, and pausing for pictures. It was tempting to get into one of the lines to chat with the gentleman.

Hardware Store In Downtown Black Mountain, NC
Hardware Store In Downtown Black Mountain, NC

No, I did not moon the governor. I didn’t even approach the good man to introduce myself. Since I am from Georgia, and he is the governor of North Carolina, I felt the best use of his time was schmoozing local voters. I am sorry I did not take the opportunity. He had no way of knowing where I was from, and he would not have questioned me on that score.

Right after the governor left one store, I did introduce myself to some of the local store employees as the Governor of Georgia. I think one lady believed me.

My retrospective intent is not honorable, either. Looking back, I wonder just what statement or question I could have made that would totally surprise His Honor. He is such a nice looking guy, energetic and caring for the populace. What could I have said, or asked, that would have ruined his day?

My first thought was the following contemporary subject: “What is your position on medical marijuana?” Now, this is not as contentious as it used to be, but the follow-up question could bring things into sharp focus, as “So, you are for legalizing all drugs?

If you are in a liberal town like the one I was visiting, you would think that the governor would be expecting something like the marijuana gambit. You could use the more risky opener, “What is your position on legalizing prostitution?” Some of us guys might think that funny, but one should be careful when asking the governor a question such as this. Television cameras could capture you in the act of being pummeled by the governor’s security detail. Things could get messy.

Of course, there is always the old, “Your fly is open.” line. It works every time.

I would like to hear other off-the-wall questions or comments for politicians. What are your favorites?

Bill O’Reilly and Dennis Miller – Bolder & Fresher Tour

picture of Bill O'Reilly and Dennis MillerBill O’Reilly and Dennis Miller brought their Bolder & Fresher Tour to the Cobb Energy Centre in Metro-Atlanta, this evening. I bought the tickets in the spring of this year, probably around the time it was first advertised. It was sold out within a week or so after the announcement.

It was an impulse purchase, and not because I am a big Bill O’Reilly fan. I am a big Dennis Miller fan. My wife and I were not disappointed. It was a good show.

This was the first time we have been to the Cobb Energy Centre in Cobb County, GA. The facility holds around 2,700 people and it was a sell-out event. I calculate that at an average cost of $100 per ticket, the gross revenue was probably around $300,000 for a single night.

If O’Reilly and Miller split one third of the gross, that is about $600,000 per year, each if they play in equivalent venues across the country monthly. That alone is incentive enough to do the tour.  Most likely, it is good publicity for their radio and TV shows, too. The whole thing will feed on itself in higher ratings and higher incomes.

The two hour show started with individual performances, first by Miller, and then O’Reilly. Miller did a great job warming people up with his brand of stand up comedy. By the time O’Reilly got on stage, everybody was feeling good. O’Reilly took us to intermission with his accounts of politicians and personalities in the Presidential campaign leading up to the present.

The closing act after intermission was an entertaining back and forth between the two. Both are natural showmen, and they know how to entertain. This supports my idea that news people are really frustrated comedians, or wannabe actors.  These guys are pretty darned good.

What did they talk about, and what were the funny lines? Just understand that every sentence from Dennis Miller was funny, and when he was describing the former Speaker of The House, Nancy Pelosi, certain references to bat guano and sleeping upside down were hilarious, and characterized that woman pretty well.

Bill O’Reilly did a good job describing certain memorable events, including this week’s charade of the DNC trying to put God back into its political platform with multiple voice votes. He suggested that God was probably not happy with the result. The Democrat Convention Chairman had to cheat to get God into the platform.

O’Reilly made fun of all the Republican Presidential candidates. His description of each of the candidates, how they came to lead the polls, and how they failed to make the grade were really funny. Remember that here in Atlanta we like our homeboys, and they are Hermann Cain and Newt Gingrich. O’Reilly knew this, but gave our guys some pretty serious barbs, anyway. He had a couple of Mitt Romney stories, too.

One of the Dennis Miller take-away lines for me was his description of the liberal, cradle to grave, government run, benevolent society in which it is a big deal to make it to the cradle. Abortion is such a big component of the Democrat platform that they have figuratively jumped the shark. Just getting born in this country is a contest with Planned Parenthood.

Leave Prince Harry Alone!

picture of Prince HarryIt is entertaining for our cousins across the Atlantic to have problems with their ill-informed decision to maintain a royal family.  Sometimes, the royals blow up in their newspapers with ill-conceived statements or actions in public. Prince Harry’s nude escapades in Las Vegas is just one more irritant.

Prince Harry is single and twenty-seven years old. Good grief! How many of us would like to be twenty-something, rich, and good-looking enough to attract a couple of dozen bikini clad beauties for an impromptu party? How many men out there would turn down the chance to have been at that party, making fools of themselves with a bunch of naked women?

If I were that somebody, and you know that I have never been, I would certainly take my clothes off with great rapidity and join in the fun. Now that I am old, it would take a little longer to disrobe. Uhh, I really didn’t mean that, dear…

Prince Harry has special problems. There are several big, stout men that follow him around as part of the royal protection team. Being born into wealth automatically makes you a target for confidence games and gold-digging women. His mother, Princess Diana, was one of the most famous and celebrated women in the history of the United Kingdom. Life as a royal can be complicated.

His biggest problem is that his father, Prince Charles, is the village idiot of the UK. Harry has undoubtedly inherited Prince Charles’ stupid gene, and we are just now seeing how things like this become manifest. The reason Prince Charles was never filmed at a nude party with a dozen or so beauties is that the Prince of Wales is ugly. He has chosen polo as his sport, but in his case it is hard to tell the rider from the horse. I guess the Brits favor that equine look.

Leave Harry alone! Philandering goes with the territory if you are a royal. Plus, what else do we have for entertainment during this election year?

Car Wash In The Rain

Here I am at the car wash, waiting on my car to be washed, waxed, vacuumed, and flushed of all dirt and grime our recent beach trip generated. It is raining.

Yeah. I know. It is really dumb to wash your car on a rainy day. But, what do you do when your boss, err wife tells you to get the car cleaned out? You have no choice but to obey. When She Who Is To Be Obeyed speaks, you learn to listen after forty or so years of marital bliss, or something like that.

So, I sit here, typing a little blog into my computer, and lo and behold, the sun is coming out. Maybe the daily rain is over!

On the other hand, I think I have discovered a new physical principle.

Do you remember the rule about washing your car? If you wash your car, it is certain to rain. Now, we learn that this is a world of opposites. The new rule is, when you wash your car in the rain, the sun is bound to shine.

It all makes sense, now. Sunshine brings rain, and the rain brings sunshine. Get used to it.

Waiting On The Curiosity Rover

About 1:30 AM Monday, the NASA Mars rover is supposed to land on the Red Planet. This is exciting. How many times have we heard about Mars landers working, or even getting close to the planet? I don’t know, but I bet it is tough to find. It is tough to hit a moving target millions of miles away.

Mars and Earth both orbit the Sun, but at different speeds and distances. Plus, it takes several months for the rover rocket to get to where Mars is going to be. Think of it like shooting a gun in a direction where, six months later, you hope your target will be.

There’s lots of anticipation, and for a wee hours show, I am sure there will be a large viewing audience. I hope to be up at that hour. It would be nice to record the event, but I don’t know exactly when the landing will take place.

There will be all-star journalists at every juncture of the event with team coverage on every network. I am looking forward to Fox News reporters to be on site at Houston, and on Mars at the proposed landing site.

Without a doubt, The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore will be on the Red Planet looking for any of those famous Martian dust devils, or red sandstorms. This kind of thing can really screw up a landing, and we will all be there waiting and watching.

Maybe there will be special editions of Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room, or Anderson Cooper’s canceled show might be resurrected for one night.

The View will be all agog how Barack Obama dreamed up the trip, and how many people will be employed on Mars. Do not tell them that Obama doesn’t have a clue what Mars is, or where it can be found.

 

UPDATE: The Rover Curiosity landed as planned, and the mission has been a huge success, to this point. However, Jim Cantore of the Weather Channel was nowhere to be seen. Where is Cantore? Did he miss the bus to Mars? What’s the story?

 

 

Gay Kiss-In Day At Chick-fil-A

You may think this is the most ridiculous thing ever proposed, but I think it is an unparalleled opportunity for Chick-fil-A. Just think, you may be a Chick-fil-A franchise owner with a hundred or so men kissing each other in your dining room. I can see where this could ruin an entire day of business.

I have an idea.

Dan Cathy, CEO  of Chick-fil-A can see this as an opportunity to make friends, increase business, and bolster the health needs of the gay community. After all, the man is a Christian and is concerned with the welfare of his fellow man. It is time to turn the other cheek, so to say.

Cathy needs to put the word out that if anybody walks up to a Chick-fil-A counter speaking the words, “I’m gay!”, they will get a small order of delicious chicken nuggets, free.  There will be a prize in each chicken nuggets box, a free condom.

This will accomplish three things. First, it will help gay people to come out of the closet by public proclamation. Second, Cathy can get points by being kind to his enemies. Third, he is furnishing condoms so sinners can do so in relative safety from spreading HIV.

After all, turning the other cheek is the Christian thing to do, and I think it will receive lots of positive press.

A Fellow Named Hansen

Yes, I know I am not a poet, but sometimes I just have to jump in and sully the art. This piece  of work is inspired by an article at Watts Up With That.

A Fellow Named Hansen

There’s a fellow named Hansen
Whose science is quite handsome
And awards grace his pocket we’re told
It pops eyes out of socket to see that gold rocket
Of fame and science so bold

With NASA his sigil
Al Gore at the vigil
His cronies jump in for the fame
They get Mr Fenton to plan the whole lemon
“Shout down the others” the game

It’s methane and ozone
He says in the old days
That will wreck Gaia’s beautiful work
All those farting cows and belching sows
Will destroy our best efforts on earth

As the decades move on his conscience has gone
And his science has now become moot
Now it’s the coal trains and sports cars
That will kill the whole planet
And all of his grandkids to boot

That fellow named Hansen
Whose wealth is quite handsome
Because of his politics and stuff
His science is bad, his arrest very sad
It’s his time to give it all up

Yogi Berra Was A Philosophical Genius

picture of yogi bera
Yogi Berra

Am I the only one who does not laugh at the witty and wise sayings of Yogi Berra? He is accused of being the master of malapropism, but I say  that he was a genius. Not only was he good at baseball, but unlike other baseball players, he was an intelligent person.

Some of his more famous sayings convey more meaning in one fractured sentence than Presidents of the United States can do in four years. Of course, Presidents don’t play in the world series, and Yogi was in several.

First, I want to start with one of my favorites, “It ain’t over ’til it’s over.” Laugh if you will, but there is wisdom and good advice in that little sentence.

When I first became a salesman, I was taught that if you find yourself in a loosing situation, don’t give up. Even after the order has been let to the competition, there is always a chance you can rescue the business. By observing this wisdom and not giving up,  I got business I otherwise would not have had because I knew, that, “It ain’t over ’til it’s over“. Just like the Delta’s  in Animal House, it ain’t over until I say it’s over.

My other favorite is, ” When you come to a fork in the road, take it “.

Only a real simpleton would look at that phrase and say, “How can you take a fork in the road without choosing left or right? What a dimmwit.”  If that’s the way you think, you haven’t been drinking the right adult beverages.

When Yogi made that statement, he knew that smart people would know that the fork in the road represented much more than just a simple choice. He wanted people to think. He wanted you to consider the REAL MEANING of forked roads.

When you approach a fork in a road, and do not know to what destination either of the choices will take you, smart becomes important. Consider the alternatives of which there are four in the physical world. We will leave alternate universes out of this discussion.

1, You can stay where you are.
2. You can go to the right.
3. You can go to the left.
4. You can turn around.

Yogi’s advice depends on the situation that you will not, or cannot, stay where you are, or turn around. You are faced with a decision on which road to take. This choice is not unlike decisions we make everyday, and here’s where we can learn from Yogi.

No matter which fork you take, your life will never be the same. A fork in the road can be viewed as a singularity, a point in time where everything changes. You cannot see beyond this point, and you have no knowledge of what to expect. You have to take one direction or another. Period.

It may not even matter which fork you take.  No matter what you do, your life will change, if even minutely.

You see, Yogi knew all this and that you had to go forward, no matter what direction you took. When you got to the fork in the road, you had to take it. Life is all about forking decisions.

So, whenever those ignorant souls laugh at Yogi’s sayings, you can smile, knowing that forking is much more involved.

What Are You Gonna’ Do?

That’s the first thing that popped into my head, this morning. What am I going to do, now? You see, my wife is retiring, and when she leaves her job, she leaves significant amounts of income left unearned. The peace and quiet I am used to having will fade away.

With my lovely and deserving wife retired, that means that she will be available all day, every day, for extended sessions of domestic consultation. Some people would call it nagging, but I am trying to keep on the high road, here. I will not draw any comparisons between marriage and less tasteful situations.

I am an idea man. Hot ideas pop into my head like microwave popcorn. Like, there is no such thing as space travel. We will have to travel between parallel dimensions to get from one side of the universe to the other. Have you done the arithmetic to see how long it takes to travel a million light years at the speed of light? It is a really big number!

So, what happens to all my brilliance if I have a wife hanging around all day informing me of the finer qualities of male servitude?

Retired wives need to be kept busy all the time. If you are rich, you can send her shopping. If not, you can be in big trouble.

Not being rich, I have to be more creative than most curmudgeons of my ilk.

OK. I still have that leaning mail box that needs to be straightened. A little quickcrete and a shovel, and my wife will be busy for a couple of days. I will help by holding the level to make sure the post is vertical.

How about all those bushes that need trimming? Or, how about all those unwanted trees that spring up in the shade of those God-Awful pine trees? I will just turn her loose on them, and she will be good to go.

You see, for every problem there can be a solution. I sure hope my solutions work, or I will be just like Cool Hand Luke being dragged back to the prison farm. We would have failed to communicate.

I am sure she will communicate, over, and over, and over.