Category: humor

Immaculate Conceptions Back In Style

The nation awoke this morning to the news that millions of American women were confessing tens of millions of cases of Virgin Birth. Oh, how satisfied the Pope must feel at the news that somehow millions of formerly earthy, vile, and profane people are now getting it. Virgin Birth is not only possible but has become dominant over night.

New Jersey housewife,  Gloria Gloriana, when asked what brought about her biological epiphany said, “That Donald Trump said such awful things about women. My husband never said those kinds of things and would never think of acting that way”. Mrs Fairlie Stupendo, also a New Jersey housewife, agreed saying, ” My husband is nothing like Mr Trump, and his poker buddies and golfing friends never talk that way.” Both of these biological marvels are former employees at the Ba-Da-Bing! Gentlemen’s Club and charter members of the Newark “Women For Hillary” advocacy.

Of course, not all immaculate conceptions are claimed by former strip club women. Many are from more pedestrian backgrounds such as university campuses that abound in safe places where delicate women will not have to hear men talk about their hoo-hoos. This is a drive for genital anonymity in spite of the fact that these snowflakes also tend to wear thongs at the beach during spring break, their hoo-hoos on display for all to see.

In defense of immaculate conception and the sanctity of the American womanhood, a new mens’ group has been formed called, “Hoo-Hoo And You”. The charter establishes the idea that all children shall be conceived by immaculate conception, and husbands are no longer required except on weekends and that once popular pagan holiday that falls on the winter solstice. From now on, men will have to forgo any type of sexual activity with women because the hoo-hoo is sacrosanct and never to be mentioned by Republicans.

My friends, you can’t just make this stuff up. It helps to watch CNN to understand the political underpinnings of this latest attack on a candidate.

Speculation On Democrat October Surprise

Elvis Is Dead And Bill Is Not Looking So Good, Either
Elvis Is Dead And Bill Is Not Looking So Good, Either

I have figured out what the Democrat October Surprise is going to be. Bill Clinton, being of poor health and diminished value as a political partner, will die. His death will be mourned by the entire nation as he was one of the favorite Presidents of all time. We will all miss him.

Hillary will ride the ensuing wave of sympathy to the White House. Rumors will run rampant that Hillary killed Bill, but we won’t know for sure until Wikileaks publishes hacked emails from Janet Reno and Loretta Lynch to Huma Abedin.

That’s my forecast. What’s yours?

Are We In A Computer Simulated World?

Neil deGrasse Thson picture
Neil deGrasse Tyson, Hotdog Scientist

That’s what Neil deGrasse Tyson believes. Tyson is moderating a symposium of pretend academics and scientists at the Isaac Asimov Memorial Debate at the American Museum of Natural History. So says the magazine, Scientific American.

Tyson believes that the probability of our universe being part of a computer simulation written and run by super-beings is a high probability. Who is paying this guy, anyway? It does not take a genius to recognize the futility of such an argument.

But, wait. Isn’t this idea tantamount to saying that God created the (our) universe? Or, as some of the scientists say, could there be many Gods in a universe that is “higher” than ours doing the programming and making us all look like modern monkeys?

If this were true we can erase parts of the program we don’t like. If we were to erase some of the monkeys, that would not be murder. If we are all simulations it is not a crime to erase things. I am sure you can come up with some examples of people, places, and things you would like to erase. Why not start with something big?

If we are a big simulation by the Big Programmer in The Sky why not erase Los Angeles, for example?

I am throwing the BS flag on this idea and Scientific American Article. There is no reason to believe we are part of a simulation, or an experiment. I believe we are created beings, and that life is real not only to mankind, but to our Creator.

If  you are looking for someone who has been programmed think of the journalist who wrote this article, and the scientists who attended this soiree. Doesn’t the journallist have something better to write about? Don’t the scientist have better things to do with all the Federal money they take? Who is dreaming up all this stuff? What are they smoking?

This subject has been covered more intelligently at Scott Adams blog. Adams is the creator of Dilbert, and has a good handle on the world, or computer simulation if you will.

Instead of a big computer simulation, maybe a cartoonist has created our world and we are just Looney Tunes characters.

 

 

 

Our President With No Name

picture of a donkeyDid you ever think of a song that describes someone you know? Well, this morning I was thinking about our dear President, Barack Hussein Obama, and realized that prior to coming to office he had never made a name for himself. He has no scholarly works that were published in the Harvard Law Review when he was president of that publication. He never held a job of any responsibility. He had achieved nothing in his professional or personal life. He had not made himself a name.

Take your choice of what that name should be, but he has now earned himself a name.

The old song, A Horse With No Name, came to mind as a parody of our President’s life.

 

(With Apologies To Dewey Bunnell’s  “A Horse With No Name”)

To Washington we sent a man with no name
It was good to have a black as the man
In Washington you can’t remember your name
For there ain’t no one for to give you no blame

da da da da da da da da
la la la la la

In his first term he kissed a Frenchman’s ass
We were all sickened and aghast
That our President was so foolish and lame
Then the world turned evil and he took no blame

da da da da da da da da
la la la la la

We remember now the man with no name
And how he never was taken to task
After all the sliding and crabbing and faking
Now he has made his name and it’s ass, ass, ass!

da da da da da da da da
la la la la la

 

That’s all, folks!

New Ad Campaign for Obama Care

picture of Burma Shave advertising signs
Burma Shave Signs – Wikipedia

For those of you who were born in the south in the early to mid-twentieth century, you will remember the famous bill board advertising campaigns of Burma Shave, Rock City, Ruby Falls, etc.

This was before the limited access interstate highway system when farmers could rent out the sides of their barns to let advertising companies paint their messages for all to see. What a trip down memory lane.

picture of bird house with Rock City on it
Rock City Ad on Birdhouse

Since our President is having a tough time selling his signature health care insurance program, I thought I would do some out-of-the-box creative stuff and help the Prez out a little.

Barry Baby needs to have his own Burma Shave type sign campaign, and here I offer a few example slogans to help put some lipstick on that pig called, Obama Care.

As you drive along
Life’s dreary highway
If you need help
Get ready to pay
OBAMA CARE!

Check your underwear
Make sure there’s no stain
If you crash your butt
You get nothing but pain
OBAMA CARE!

When times are tough
He’s got your back
Just watch your wallet
‘Cause that’s his knack
OBAMA CARE!

Check yourself
Before you wreck yourself
If you do
You’re in the poo
OBAMA CARE!
(hat tip to police chief David Oliver, Brimfield Ohio, and his Tweet vis-a-vis Kanye West)

Well, that’s my effort for the day. What would your signs say?

Do You Treasure Your Toilet?

There is news this week on the bathroom front. Men and women alike are aghast at the happenings in Venezuela where the socialist government of Caesar Chavez has committed the ultimate socialist faux pas. For a while, now, there has been a shortage of toilet paper in the people’s paradise.

The Venezuelan government has temporarily taken over the factory that produces toilet paper, feminine napkins, and disposable diapers. Oh, how can you survive without these basic necessities.

My niece reported this some time ago when she had to buy toilet paper in Brazil before crossing into Venezuela. Out of respect for her privacy, I never asked what the heck she was doing there, beautiful California woman that she is. In other words shortages of personal, basic necessities in Venezuela are not rare.

In another celebrated occasion in the category of men’s toiletries comes this viral announcement from the Dollar Shave Club. Yes, gentlemen and ladies, there are now butt wipes for men.

Yes, I am a member of Dollarshaveclub.com. No, I have no comments about the efficacy of One Wipe Charlies.